How to write a proper resignation letter

Let's face it, writing a proper resignation letter is a pretty daunting task. You wouldn't want to sound too cocky or ungrateful or just plain rude and yet you also don't want to sound too pretentious with too much praises. The good news is the people at QuitMyJobEmail.com has made writing a resignation letter so much easier. Just answer a few simple questions, click a button and voila! the perfect resignation letter/e-mail is ready for you to shove up your boss' ass hand over to your boss. Here's a sample quit e-mail I created using that brilliant site.

Dear Bill,

I'm writing you this email because I think my time working at Microsoft has come to an end. The income I earn from Microsoft is not satisfactory for me. An employee of my skill level should be appreciated. And by "appreciated," I mean quit being so cheap and start forking over the cash, buddy! I broke three of those stupid stress balls last week. I'm pretty sure that's a sign that I'm under too much pressure at this company so I think it's time for me to find a better place to work. When it comes to the work environment at
Microsoft, I would compare it to the quality of air inside a portable toilet on a construction site; any logical human being would conclude that it's time for me to open the door and get some fresh air before I suffocate.

Do you realize how boring my job is? Sometimes, when no one's looking, I pull out a little paint container I keep in my pocket and put a dab on the wall nearby. Watching that paint dry is my excitement for the work day. I worry that, should anything actually interesting occur while at work, I might have a heart attack from the excitement. No thanks.

Part of the reason for my decision to leave is that my coworkers are really difficult to get along with. I'm not a big fan of that. Watching paint dry at work certainly livens up the day for me, but my colleagues are so boring they actually cancel out the excitement I would otherwise get from watching the paint dry. A wise man once said "What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair." I have a feeling he used to work with some of the people who work at
Microsoft, because they really stink. The other employees are a bunch of whiners. I guess I can't blame them too much, considering how crappy it is to work at this company. And yes, I do realize the irony of me complaining to you about my coworker complainers. There's a rumor going around that you've been having serious bouts of constipation this week. Whether it's true or not, the fact is that people here are gossip addicts.

And you know those cheerful smiles you get from your employees? It's a sham. They're a bunch of suck-ups. Ass-kissers. Brown-nosers. You've no doubt heard of love at first sight. Well, as soon as I laid my eyes on you, I could tell I didn't like you one little bit. You sure have some kind of crazy genetic thing going on: your shoulders are so sloped that any blame slides right off you. Oh, and by the way, there's a thief working at
Microsoft. My food keeps disappearing from the fridge, BEFORE I eat it. Also, you react way too harshly to minor little things at work. Quit crying over spilled milk and grow up!

You know what the difference is between sexist men like you and government bonds? Bonds mature. It seems that you think you're pretty important, a real hotshot at
Microsoft. It's not surprising since you occupy such a low position in the real world, outside Microsoft's walls. You don't even know what I do at Microsoft, Bill. What does that say about you? You micro-manage as if you think you can do everything, but you need to let people do their job themselves; back off! Besides, the benefits at Microsoft aren't very good. I can get better elsewhere. I just accepted a better job from someone else. It's way better than what I've had to put up with at Microsoft.

I hope
Microsoft burns down,

Afif


P.S. Not only are you a bad boss, you're ugly too! Sure sucks to be you.

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